String Theory

String Theory

“Try not to disrupt, distract, or distance yourself from me over the next ten minutes. I have very little time left to warn you, less than that to explain why, and even less to help you live. So pay attention. 

“First, put the gauntlet on and make sure the icon is set to shield. Second, clean your glasses often. Dirty lenses are of no use. 

“String Theory is true. What’s more is the gate between here and theres is large. Too large, to big, to massive and we are going to take advantage of this later. Until then, we have trouble with a capitol T, which rhymes with “P,” which stands for “punk ass bitch,” which they are. 

“The clock is ticking so grab a rifle. Put the magazine in the feeder then check to ensure it’s seated. Grab that “t” handle and yank that thing back until it stops. Let it go. And for God’s Sake, finger off the trigger! 

“Back to the task. 

“The creatures moving about are demons. Not my word, theirs. They call themselves demons. Followers of Satan. Devil’s own. They are mad. Really mad, but they’re physical now, not spiritual. This is critical. You can shoot them. So do. A lot. 

“The men in black armor are not your friends. They want to gather up everything and kill it. They have this screwed up philosophy that they’re superior and their task is to clean the planet. They sound Australian because they are. Mate. Get used to saying that. Also, make everything sound super cute. It is not a lemon, it is a lemmy. Not a dog, it is a woofy. Got it? Shoot these guys too. Not Australians. The men in the power suits. 

“Don’t eat the tuna fish. 

There is a woman with black, curly hair and a beautiful smile. When you meet her, kiss her. Don’t wait. Just do it and trust me, it is worth it. 

“Times are a changing. And it is moving so listen up. You’re going to be scared and you’re going to want to run. It is ok to do both, but always remember that both are temporary and neither one of those actions will kill what needs to be killed. 

”Cats cannot be trusted and you should kick them when you can. I’m not advocating animals abuse, but the cats are now agents of evil and have agreed, as a creature, to assist the armies of South America and their march into Texas. 

Check your watch and make sure it is set to 12:23. That is the time when all this goes down and you need to remember two more things. One, the people to blame for this soup sandwich are these idiot college kids at MIT. Two, I can only do this one more time before the ability disappears forever. Do you understand? Nod for yes, shake for no.”

My dog said as I stood there with a dumb struck look on my face. I nodded and said, “Well alright then, Buster. Let’s go kick some demon ass.”